So the other day I introduced my self, my other half, and my kids. I got a good laugh as I wrote about things I have long since forgotten. Today I am hoping for the same. I have learned in my years as a mom that I can no longer control the state of my home. I used to be a fenatic with my cleaning. So much so, my friends dubbed me Monica Gellar. After 3 kids, I have lost the battle. My vacuum sits in a closet longing for the days when it and I would spend our afternoons together. My rubber gloves got up and walked out on me, and my duster is no longer soft, she has turned hard in my absence. My windows have so many finger prints one would think I had an army of small minions with suction cup hands living here.
There have been many messes in my days as a mom that literally pushed me over the edge past anger and right into laughter while saying "Are ya flipping kidding me?!?!" Let's forget for a moment about boogers on walls, poop on the floor, toothpaste on the mirror,and milk in the carpet. No let's talk about REALLY bad messes.
We learned the hard way that once kids have been in a car for 20 hours traveling they need to run...and then run some more. We arrived home at 3 in the morning from our annual trip to the beach at Thanksgiving. The kids were 1,2 and 4 at the time. Now naturally they slept nearly the whole way home...I mean really there's not much else do in a car at that point. When we got home at 3 in the morning we put them in their beds and crashed. Silly us. How dare we think they would sleep!! Now, I had never slept with my kids awake before and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. We made sure any potential hazards were put up, gates in place, and told them they could play quietly in one of their rooms for an hour. All I wanted was an hour. Well I goofed and slept for three. I woke up in a panic...where were the kids, what kind of mother am I?!?! You will be relieved to know, all three of them were sound asleep in the youngest's crib (A cute picture I might add). I Was feeling so relieved, and truthfully so lucky that they had actually played together and not caused any trouble. Then I walked to the kitchen for coffee. And there it was. The mother of all messes. I think for a breif moment I stopped breathing.
Hershey's chocolate syrup. Honey. Sugar. Handprints. Oh My Gosh. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream...and all I could do was laugh. I was so over tired and sleep deprived that all I could do was fall to the floor and laugh until I could not breathe. My husband wakes at this point, hearing my laughter, and comes to the kitchen and just stood there. He had no words. I had no words. Together, we just laughed. Now, that laughter felt amazing. What was not so amazing, however, was the fact that I Was left on my own to clean it up. I was no longer laughing. What the hell gets honey unsticky?!?!? i soon realize this chocolatey goodness of a mess in under the oven, the fridge,the dishwasher and seepng into the cracks of where the floor (the NEW floor) meets the cabinets.
God bless my husband, I love him dearly, but sadly, he is useless. Just leave it he says, let's make the kids clean it up. Really? Sure, let's have the toddlers do it, that's brillinat! Heaven only knows where the mess would go then!! I told him if I had to clean this up then he was on diaper duty and he better get them out of the house for awhile because those cute little faces could not save them from my fury!
I cleaned....and cleaned....and cleaned. I had to wash the floor no less than 5 times to get it unsticky. I used 5 buckets of steaming hot water and almost an entire bottle of amonia. I finally was able to get it right. I sat in the middle of the floor exhausted. These kids were creative, I'll give them that. And really, I told them to play together didn't I? I sat there in my sparkling clean kitchen knowing that it was just beginning. I will never have a "clean" house again. If it's not honey or chocolate, it will be mud, or crumbs, or apple cores, or goldfish. Damn. But I thought, I have three adorable babies who areso full of life and imagination, it never occured to them that this was "wrong". I resolved at that moment to never get angry at a mess (5 years later I have lost THAT battle with myself serveral times). I told myself when they come home from the park just enjoy them, love them, forget the mess.
They came home and all three ran to me. I scooped them up and hugged them and loved them just like I knew I should. My son, the 4 year old, says "mommy you want coffee?" Oh he was so cute. "Yes I do baby but mommy will get it in a minute...sissy has poop" (And when do babies NOT Have poop....NEVER!)
Well he apparently decided I needed coffee right away and before I could realize what he was doing, the entire canister of sugar was now on the floor...with the pot of coffee spilled on top of it. Damn.
I have since given up coffee. Stay tuned for my adventures in grocery shopping!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Introducing the crazy that is my life
I have recently been encouraged my a few people close to me that I should blog...or write a book. Hmmm, I think I will start with a blog. Seems to be less pressure. My life is made up of 3 kids, a husband who may as well be a kid himself, and what one can only call a string of errors that you just have to sit back and laugh at. My blogs will not always be this long, but in order to give you a good look at my life and it's errors I feel the need to give you as much background as I can.
I am, on a daily basis, challenged by one of my kids, or my husband, or a customer who has the pleasure of dealing with me. And everyday I plow through it and then sit back at the end of it all and ask my self...are you kidding me?!? But now and again all I can do is laugh. I mean really, when you live this crazy life I have, if you can't laugh, you may as well be in a padded room by yourself.
This blog will be about the extremes in my life. Today, Extreme #1...Kids.
We went from not being able to have any kids (our first was still born, but that's a story for another day), to BAM, we had three...in a row. Yep, they are 5,6, and 8. (And might I add that at this moment my 5 year old is barking. Why, you ask? Heaven only knows...this is one of said challenges I mentioned earlier).
I love my kids, they are gifts from God, and everyone who knows me knows I can not live without them...but can I just say that once in awhile this mom needs a break?!?! Forget showering alone, eating while the food is hot, enjoying a rainy day nap, or heaven forbid, going to the bathroom without a tapping at the door. I've learned that those small things are not small things at all, they are monumental...IF you get to enjoy them alone!! You moms out there can sympathize I bet :) 10 years ago I Was told I would never have kids, it just wasn't in the cards for me. And all I ever wanted to be was a mom. It took some adjusting but we figured, hell, we will keep trying and maybe, just maybe it will all work out. Well things have a way of working out in mysterious ways. After weloming my son, who is now almost 9 and currenty thinks I am the biggest moron alive, we decided we would try one more time for a girl. 22 months later we got her. She is almost 7 and may as well be turning 16 because the only word I can use to describe her is "diva". So here I Was, amazed that I had two perfect children, a boy and a girl. Every mother's dream. I was done trying, I had eveything I ever wanted. They slept through the night at 3 months, never cried, and were the happiest little things. Here comes the BAM. When my daughter was 3 months old...yep, you guessed it. Oops. Here comes baby #3! And as I always say "Are you flipping kidding me??!!". This must be our destiny I Said, so we awaited her birth with great joy and excitement. Now, she came early, and we couldn't hold her, feed her, nothing, for a week. This was a huge challenge for me. This also taught me that I am so very lucky to have them all. I could not wait to bring her home (she is my third, and LAST, and she is my biggest challenge. Brace yourself...she's a wild one!)
We finally got her home and it was heaven. Three kids, who would have guessed! I was basking in the glow of my beautiful little family and up walks the middle child, she is only 1 when we bring this baby home. I figure she is going to kiss her new baby sister. Boy was I wrong.She looked at her, looked at me, looked at her and said "MY Mommy" and wacked the baby in the face with a book. Winnie the Pooh was never so tough as in that moment. I sat there, stunned. My daughter had just beaten the baby with a book!! How do you punish a one year old for jealousy?? Well I put her in her room. Ummm duh dumb mommy, there's toys in there! Geez, lesson learned for me too.
(Let me just say real quick that she never hit her again and now they are either best freinds or worst enemies, depending on what day it is. )
Well the dr told us my health just was not good enough to have another "oops" so being the hero that he is, my dear husband took one for the team and went in for a vesectomy.
OK can I just say, men are weenies!!!! I droped him off at 7 am. The dr told me to come back in about an hour. I ran some errands with three kids...always a joy and I can talk more about those outtings later. I went back to the surgery center and the nurse filled me on the procedure. Now here I am, thinking he getting sliced open and his manhood compromised. Nope. Ladies, they have it SO flipping easy. He got put under, they "snipped" him with a lazer...no scar, nothing. Then, get this, they send him home with not one, but TWO bottles of vicodin!!! Can you believe it?? I have had human life ripped from me 4 times and I got tylenol!!! You got to be asleep and you get real drugs!! Oh my goodness, I wanted to smack that dr's glasses right off his face. For the next two days my husband carries on as if HE is the one who just had the baby. By day three I threw a frozen bag of pees at him and said no, those are not for your wound, they are for dinner so get your ass up and cook! he looked at me like I just killed his puppy. "but honey", he says, "I just had surgery..." OH you are right sweet husband, you did just have surgery. here let me take a knife and cut open your stomach and remove an 8 pound watermelon. Then I will sew you back up and make you walk around even though it feels like your insides are going to fall through your crotch onto the floor! Yep, that did the trick, he got up and made (And by made, I mean ordered) dinner.
Tomorrow I shall dive into what happens when your children get ahold of Hershey syrup, sugar, and honey on a new floor...
I am, on a daily basis, challenged by one of my kids, or my husband, or a customer who has the pleasure of dealing with me. And everyday I plow through it and then sit back at the end of it all and ask my self...are you kidding me?!? But now and again all I can do is laugh. I mean really, when you live this crazy life I have, if you can't laugh, you may as well be in a padded room by yourself.
This blog will be about the extremes in my life. Today, Extreme #1...Kids.
We went from not being able to have any kids (our first was still born, but that's a story for another day), to BAM, we had three...in a row. Yep, they are 5,6, and 8. (And might I add that at this moment my 5 year old is barking. Why, you ask? Heaven only knows...this is one of said challenges I mentioned earlier).
I love my kids, they are gifts from God, and everyone who knows me knows I can not live without them...but can I just say that once in awhile this mom needs a break?!?! Forget showering alone, eating while the food is hot, enjoying a rainy day nap, or heaven forbid, going to the bathroom without a tapping at the door. I've learned that those small things are not small things at all, they are monumental...IF you get to enjoy them alone!! You moms out there can sympathize I bet :) 10 years ago I Was told I would never have kids, it just wasn't in the cards for me. And all I ever wanted to be was a mom. It took some adjusting but we figured, hell, we will keep trying and maybe, just maybe it will all work out. Well things have a way of working out in mysterious ways. After weloming my son, who is now almost 9 and currenty thinks I am the biggest moron alive, we decided we would try one more time for a girl. 22 months later we got her. She is almost 7 and may as well be turning 16 because the only word I can use to describe her is "diva". So here I Was, amazed that I had two perfect children, a boy and a girl. Every mother's dream. I was done trying, I had eveything I ever wanted. They slept through the night at 3 months, never cried, and were the happiest little things. Here comes the BAM. When my daughter was 3 months old...yep, you guessed it. Oops. Here comes baby #3! And as I always say "Are you flipping kidding me??!!". This must be our destiny I Said, so we awaited her birth with great joy and excitement. Now, she came early, and we couldn't hold her, feed her, nothing, for a week. This was a huge challenge for me. This also taught me that I am so very lucky to have them all. I could not wait to bring her home (she is my third, and LAST, and she is my biggest challenge. Brace yourself...she's a wild one!)
We finally got her home and it was heaven. Three kids, who would have guessed! I was basking in the glow of my beautiful little family and up walks the middle child, she is only 1 when we bring this baby home. I figure she is going to kiss her new baby sister. Boy was I wrong.She looked at her, looked at me, looked at her and said "MY Mommy" and wacked the baby in the face with a book. Winnie the Pooh was never so tough as in that moment. I sat there, stunned. My daughter had just beaten the baby with a book!! How do you punish a one year old for jealousy?? Well I put her in her room. Ummm duh dumb mommy, there's toys in there! Geez, lesson learned for me too.
(Let me just say real quick that she never hit her again and now they are either best freinds or worst enemies, depending on what day it is. )
Well the dr told us my health just was not good enough to have another "oops" so being the hero that he is, my dear husband took one for the team and went in for a vesectomy.
OK can I just say, men are weenies!!!! I droped him off at 7 am. The dr told me to come back in about an hour. I ran some errands with three kids...always a joy and I can talk more about those outtings later. I went back to the surgery center and the nurse filled me on the procedure. Now here I am, thinking he getting sliced open and his manhood compromised. Nope. Ladies, they have it SO flipping easy. He got put under, they "snipped" him with a lazer...no scar, nothing. Then, get this, they send him home with not one, but TWO bottles of vicodin!!! Can you believe it?? I have had human life ripped from me 4 times and I got tylenol!!! You got to be asleep and you get real drugs!! Oh my goodness, I wanted to smack that dr's glasses right off his face. For the next two days my husband carries on as if HE is the one who just had the baby. By day three I threw a frozen bag of pees at him and said no, those are not for your wound, they are for dinner so get your ass up and cook! he looked at me like I just killed his puppy. "but honey", he says, "I just had surgery..." OH you are right sweet husband, you did just have surgery. here let me take a knife and cut open your stomach and remove an 8 pound watermelon. Then I will sew you back up and make you walk around even though it feels like your insides are going to fall through your crotch onto the floor! Yep, that did the trick, he got up and made (And by made, I mean ordered) dinner.
Tomorrow I shall dive into what happens when your children get ahold of Hershey syrup, sugar, and honey on a new floor...
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